I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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