Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
