she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
