I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
