rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
