You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
