There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
