if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
