If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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