saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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