i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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