The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
