Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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