i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
