If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
