Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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