How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
