I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
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