my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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