dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
