3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
