so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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