My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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