ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
