She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
True strength comes from lack of pants
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
