He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
