Betty ford says i'm here all night
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
