3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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