There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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