im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
