took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
