I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
BRING THE BAGELS
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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