does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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