Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
