the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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