Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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