just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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