Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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