I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
