No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
