i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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