No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
