ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
