don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
