Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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