Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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