Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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