literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You're like the curious george of whores
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
