Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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