Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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