I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
