my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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